I've been down in this cave all day off an on. During that time I have shed many tears. Partly from fallen comrads that we will never see again, another part at the friendships lost over time, and yet another part at the love for the family, friends and guild that I love so much. The last part ain't tears out of sorrow or pain, these are tears of joy. I can count on one hand how many dear friends I do have and can trust, and it's them that I will do anything for. I'm not upset about this by all means, it makes me cherish them all the more and miss them when they are away for a while. Some of these friends have watched me grow into what I am today, and some I have had the privilage to watch them grow into the wonderful people they are, and then there are others that I met while I was still searching for who I was as they were. I would never think that the friendship would last because of the way we met, but alas, it's as strong as the rest.

I no longer worry like I use to. There is a calming peace that surrounds me now, rather it's him that brought this to me or me finally growing enough and realizing that it wasn't worth the heart ache I caused myself, I no longer know. I feel it best to just take it one day at a time, marc upon marc, doing what I know needs to be done and relishing in the love that others feel for me and I for them.......

He's teaching me something new, something totally out of my element and I still don't know how to react to it. I am so use to running and hiding, finding something to kill when I'm mad or upset, in fact my best training comes during those times. He won't let me do this, he finds me no matter where I run to and just holds me and let's me cry. He does not judge, he does not condemn, he just holds me and lets me get it all out of my system and then if I feel I must, he listens to me. I am not use to it. It felt weird, but good, sitting in the inn in Caern, him holding me as I cooled off. No matter how many times I would try to leave, he would just wrap me up tighter, making me stay, helping me to work it out in my head with just letting me know that I was secure and safe in his arms and he would be there if and when I felt like talking. I don't know how to go about thanking him for that..............

Well, maybe I spoke too soon. No later than adding my last entry, my mood changed. The only thing that helped was coming to one of the gloomy places I enjoy. My mistake? Well it seems I decided to swipe a journal and read it. I told Alloran my mistakes with her and how I do regret them, he understood, I think. It's hard for anyone to really understand what happened unless they were her or me and knew what transpired between us. I do miss her no matter what anyone says. That bond we once shared, that only comes to someone every once in a while and it's not to everyone that it happens to. I know I shouldn't look in the past, but to loose someone that meant as much as she did to me, I just don't know anymore. I will go about and try to act happy and in time I will forget about it again until something comes along to bring it back forward into my mind. Maybe that is my punishment for doing what I did, to carry that pain around for always..............

Am so excited, my lil brother is back and he seems to be happy. I have just been so happy relaxing, catching up with Tor and spending time with Alloran, taking the time to really get to know each other. And what fun we have while doing so. So to say the least, I haven't been wantin to do anything for a while now.

Still waiting to confront Stan as soon as he wakes, really want to get this done and over with, to let him know I know what he tried to do and with whom, and catch him in all the lies.......

Relaxed, totally and completely relaxed. A whole day of doing nothing but spending time with him in Euthucan. I can't believe my luck, I told him everything, all he did was pull me in a hug and reassured me that he wasn't going anywhere and how he felt. I am still pinchin myself, thinkin I'm dreamin. After bein hurt so many times, can it possibly be that this time it's it? Can I trust myself to hope it's finally true? I suppose only time will tell, and then there's still the deal to settle with someone, so not lookin forward to that, but it has to be done and he needs to know that I know what he did, or at least tried to do. I'm actually glad now that I did hold that part of me back from him, I'm glad I didn't let him all the way in. Then again, in my heart I knew he would seek out revenge, even after I told him my fear, and he reassured me that that wasn't so, he still did it. I suppose in some ways I am foolish, but this time, this time, I believe I have put my trust in the right one..........

Why is it when I return to this beach, things seem to clear within my head? Is it the view, which is always spetacular, but now, even more so, or the sound of the water washing up in gentle waves onto the lands? Is it the soft breeze or the gentle call of the night? No matter what it is, I will always cherish this spot, no matter the memories of old or new. I remember the first time I came here, it was to get away, to run from something that had hurt me so badly. I sat on this beach what seemed like days just remembering and thinking, with Cel telling me what I should do, and finally I did, just to get hurt later on worse than what I was to begin with. Even with him lieing here sleeping beside me, all these memories flood me, I suppose they will always do that, no matter what, nor no matter how I feel for him. He knows what he means to me, but he needs to know the things that go through my head at times to really know me, to really know what makes me, me. I think that's where I went wrong in the past, I would always hold back a certain part of me to everyone, too scared that if they knew all of my weaknesses, they wouldn't think I was strong, they would look down on me for having weaknesses. As it turned out, it was me not being able to open up to them about everything that I feel pushed them all away. So, as I sit here, listening to his soft breathing and the occassional snore, I have decided that I need to tell him everything, and pray to the Gods that it doesn't push him away from me. I have come to terms that if it does, I shall hold my head high, shed the tears that will need to be shedded and then move forward as gracefully as I always have in the past. Now that I think about it, he will be the first that I have told everything to, the first to know my heart fully, the good and the bad, and it terrifies me. I must not chicken out on doing this, I must be stronger than ever to get through this and let what happens, happens. For how can someone love another without fully knowing everything about them?????

As I sit here thinking about the last week, emotions toil within me. Beyond words could describe, I am happy. But two other emotions work their way forward as well, saddness and pure anger. I am sad because I miss Ams so much right now. I miss our little chats, her making me laugh in her own way, I miss her all around. The anger comes from Stan, what he did, there's no excuss for it, and then him disappearing as he did, just proves it. The happiness, well, that's something that a few know about and the one that has brought it back to me. They know who they are and that's all that matters to me and to them. I still have to confront Stan if and when he returns. I have a feeling that when that does happen, the light show that will be made is beyond any that the EA could accomplish. Furious does not even begin to describe how I feel when I think about it. I suppose that's why for the most part, I keep it pushed to the back of my mind where I don't think about it often. Then knowing our past and who he is, I should have known he would think of a way to do hurt me as bad as I did him in the past. But, life goes on, we live, we learn and today is a new day to move forward to the happy time in my life, all thanks to one person.....Thank you so much, so very much. I hold you close to my heart, dearly.............

As I wake, thoughts of last eve enter my mind. Just knowing she will not be around for a while, tears at my heart. She's been needing to do this for a while, and for one reason or another she wouldn't. I'm happy for her for taking care of herself, but that doesn't make missing her any less painful. I hope she knows how much I do love her and how much I want to see her happy.........

Only one person knows my pain right now with her resting, and it's them I shall learn to lean on the best I can................

I still think about him, no matter what I am doing, think I will for a long while. I do not know what happened to him, but it's time for me to move on. I couldn't keep going like I was, with no word from him, no telling what happened to him, and no telling when and if he will be back. It's the part of if and when he returns and telling him that will be the hardest. To explain to him why I had to do what I felt was right for me.

Now that I've actually decided to do so, I'm finding that the weight is lifted off of me and I'm much happier, although, Ams is worrying me now. Will definately have to take time to talk to her, and find out what is bothering her so bad. It breaks my heart to see her like this. She knows how much I do love her and she knows to come to me if she feels she needs to do so, and hopefully together we can talk and figure out what it is.

Lil One has me worried about her also. She says she will be fine, but still, something is bothering her. Why can't she see that all I want for her and Ams are for them to be happy. When something bothers them, it bothers me to see them upset.

I must admit, I have barely done anything the past few days. It feels good to be out of those caves and Fartown for a bit, the fresh air and sun are doing me good as is being around people.
Alloran has helped get things started for what we would like to see in the guild hall once a plot becomes open, and hopefully soon that will happen for us.........

It's days like this that are the hardest on me. I am so tired of farming and I definately do not want to train, so I wander around these lands, lost in deep thought, thinking, contemplating, searching my soul as to what to do now, where to go, what's happening with me. I think of the friends I have made since coming to these lands, old ones and new alike. Some I have hurt, some I don't get to see anymore, some, I just don't know what happened, and still there are 3 out there that have come to mean so much to me with everything that has happened in the past and even now, with Stan being gone. One of those friends I just so happen to meet in a chance meeting. The other two, Ams and Val, well, need I say more? If people knew them the way I do, they would understand why I hold those two so close to my heart, they are the sisters I never had. These two I want to protect, want to see succeed in all they do, want them to be happy. Without them, I know, I would have lost my sanity a long time ago. They are the ones that keep me grounded and remind me why I am still awake, instead of sleeping.

As I watch those going on about their business, the young ones especially, I remember why it is I came to these lands, why I do love it here so much. It's to see everyone protected, to help fight these horrors that ravage these lands, and in hopes, one day, to see them free of Balthazar's influences. Until that day comes, I stay and help in any way I can. How a lonely rogue, such as myself, can help, I do not know, but I do try with all my might and all my skill.

I do not see myself as a great rogue, as some of them out there are. If I had half the talent of my sponsor, I would maybe concider myself that way. It's not the training with your weapons that makes you great at the profession you have chosen. It's not how many levels you have gained or how many young ones that you take to the temple to gain their profession. It's what you do with the profession, how you grow into it, what you learn from others and apply that learning into your everyday life, that's what makes you great at what you do, at least, that's how I feel anyways. I could be wrong about that, but in my heart, I feel I am correct, as I feel the brotherhood of the shadows calling me when first stepping into the lands. For a rogue is what I was meant to become, and a rogue is what I will stay til the day the gods call me away.............

I took a break from my farming last eve to take Lex to the temple. I do believe she will make a wo derful rogue. Afterwards I waited til the doorway opened then I went away to try to straighten out the tho ghts running through my head and to figure out what it is I'm su pose to do now. I wound up falling asl ep on the beach after talking to Val for a bit. My dreams were all mixed up, some of which I would never dare to voice to anyone. What I do remember mostly and enjo ed the most was the dream I had of the day Stan and I said our vows and how wonderful that day was. When I awoke, it was because of that dre m that I realiz d what it is I must do. I shall wait to hear from him, to find out what it is he is wanting to do. I love him dearly, he knows this and I know he would be here if he could be. I just hope that during his travels away, he st ys safe and returns to me soon. I miss feeling his arms around me, his smiling eyes, his voice, the way we can joke around, the way he can always make me laugh no matter what my mood is. I just down rig t miss him......................


(**a few tear stains fade some of the wording**)

I finally made it to level 58. Thought I would never get there, but with Stan disappearing as he did and the guild quiet here lately, it was all I wanted to do. So now I'm farmin in the swamp caves, only time I have left there was to go empty my pack with Haggie, then back there I went. I don't know what has gotten into me lately. I go about like nothing is wrong, but missing him, it is one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. It's bad enough that I thought I would never love another again, and when I did finally find him, I fell, and I fell hard. For him to up and leave like this, it makes me wonder, is something wrong with me that caused him to do this, or is something terribly wrong with him. All I do while farmin is think of the day we said our vows to one another, how happy we both were. I don't know if I have much hope or faith in me to keep holding on like I am. I do so with the hope of his return real soon. I know no other way to be.......................